5 Tips for Improving Family Communication

Before becoming a mom, communicating with my husband was easy – talk when we were together, leave a voice mail, send a text or email.  My husband went to work and came home.  If he was working late or meeting a friend, he’d call and then I’d do whatever I wanted – see a movie, call a friend for dinner or drinks, get in my jammies early and read.  On the weekends we pretty much were together the whole time.

After becoming a mom, communicating with him became so much more important.  It shouldn’t have been a surprise, but no one really tells you about it when you’re pregnant and because we’re superwomen we figure how hard can it be.  But after adding a child (or two or three or six) to the mix, last minute decisions, missed voice mails, or misinterpreted text messages meant a new way of communicating was in order.

Communication is key in any relationship, but it becomes especially important in a family.  It’s not just about telling your spouse or partner what you’ll be doing and when you’ll be there.  No, those days are over.  Once kids are part of the mix, we start to deal with so many things that operating like a precision command center is often the only way to keep everyone on course.

But how do you do it?  How is mom supposed to make sure everyone is where they’re supposed to be, when they need to be, with all the stuff they’re supposed to have if there is a breakdown in communication?  Effective family communication doesn’t come naturally, it takes a plan and a concerted effort to make sure everyone works together.

5 Tips For Improving Family Communication:

1.  Be aware of both verbal and nonverbal communication – it’s important to make sure both your verbal and nonverbal communication are in harmony.  Many people are sensitive to the nonverbal cues and may misinterpret the message if the words and body language don’t match.
2. Hold family meetings, or schedule time to plan with your spouse if your children are very young – family meetings give older kids a voice in what’s going on and gives them the confidence to share their feelings about other family members.  If kids are too young, making time to coordinate with your spouse or partner will help ensure you’re both on the same page.
3. Speak using “I” instead of “You” – we’re conditioned to tell people what they’re doing wrong. However, that often makes them defensive. Rather than tell the other person what they don’t do that upsets you, reframe the issue.  With kids, doing this helps them see that their actions impact other family members and keeps them from shutting down, feeling attacked or thinking they’re a bad person.  Next time, instead of saying “you never pick up your laundry/toys/games” try letting them know “It’s hard for me to do the laundry if I have to spent a lot of time searching for all the dirty clothes” or “I don’t have enough time to make dessert if I spend my afternoon picking up toys”.  Don’t immediately put someone on the defensive, or you risk them not listening at all.
4. Listen carefully – Remove all distractions from the conversation.  TV off, no phones, no handheld games, no music in the background.  Establish rules such as when someone is speaking, no one interrupts. Giving your undivided attention shows your family member that what they have to say is important.  It’s obviously important to them.  And while it may not be important to siblings, active listening is a skill we all need to practice.
5. Accepts and encourage compromise – Regardless of the size of your family, everyone can’t get everything they want.  It’s not always fair, but everyone should understand that compromises are required by all family members.  Encourage creative solutions, and allow the children to come up with ways that might work.  While there are no set rules, family dynamics will dictate what some of the compromises will need to be.  This is also true for the adults.  If one parent works outside the home and has to stay late, they need to be aware of the domino effect that may ensue.

Good communication will strengthen the relationship among the family members, allow everyone to feel that what they say is important, and help the family create solutions instead of allowing a problem to become a catastrophe.

How does communication in your family work?

Editor’s note: This post was written by Sara Hawkins, author of the Saving for Someday blog.